MARRIAGE

MARRIAGE

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
James H. Boren

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Michel de Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Honore de Balzac

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.
John Steinbeck

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
W. Somerset Maugham

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
H. L. Mencken

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
Paul Sweeney

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
Grace Hansen

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
Raymond Hull

Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.
Sydney J. Harris

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
Isadora Duncan

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
H. L. Mencken

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
Alan King

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Marilyn Monroe

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
Jean Kerr

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Ambrose Bierce

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
James C. Dobson

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
Mae West

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
Oscar Wilde

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.
Lord Byron

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.
Bette Davis

I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.
Lee Grant

If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love.
Michel de Montaigne

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
Mignon McLaughlin

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katharine Hepburn

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
Robert Anderson

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
Helen Rowland

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
Benjamin Disraeli

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.
Helen Rowland

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost

Love is often the fruit of marriage.
Moliere

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Stephen Leacock

Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.
Beverley Nichols

Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder.
Thornton Wilder

Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
Charles Caleb Colton

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
George Jessel

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.
St. Jerome

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Irwin Corey

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Alan King

Marriage is not about age; it's about finding the right person.
Sophia Bush

Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.
Michel de Montaigne

Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.
Robert Graves

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".
Herbert Spencer

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
Josh Billings

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
H. L. Mencken

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
Doug Larson

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
Jean Rostand

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
Elbert Hubbard

Never get married in the morning - you never know who you might meet that night.
Paul Hornung

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.
Benjamin Disraeli

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
H. L. Mencken

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable.
Emma Goldman

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
Judith Viorst

One should believe in marriage as in the immortality of the soul.
Honore de Balzac

Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman.
Joseph Joubert

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Katharine Hepburn

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
H. L. Mencken

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly.
Peter De Vries

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
A. P. Herbert

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
Peter De Vries

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
George Jessel

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
Honore de Balzac

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle.
Heinrich Heine

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Helen Rowland

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

When a marriage works, nothing on earth can take its place.
Helen Gahagan

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
Benjamin Franklin

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Barbra Streisand

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
Alan King